Episode 5: Lover Come Hack to Me

Episode 5: Lover Come Hack to Me

Original Airdate: June 21, 1989

Written By: Michael McDowell

Directed By: Tom Holland

Starring: Amanda Plummer, Stephen Shellen, Richard Eden, Lisa Figus

Is there any more romantic and joyous time in life than marriage? Reportedly, marriage is the happiest time for two people in the history of human development. And though not every exchange of nuptials turns out for the best, we are led to believe that only good things can come from the union of two kindred spirits in love. That is, if they're really in love and not out for something else. 

Peggy (Amanda Plummer) and Charles (Stephen Shellen) are headed to their honeymoon as any two lovebirds would be in the countryside. Aunt Edith (Lisa Figus) has her objections however, and is quick to claim that Charles is only married to Peggy for her inherited fortune and not her mouse-like personality. Charles abruptly cuts Edith off and begins the long road ahead with the intent of spending a romantic week together with his new bride. And of course, a gun in the glove box. 

"Must be a wedding present from old Aunt Edith." -Charles

The truth is both Peggy and Charles are having a hell of a first night together. The gun in the glove box? Neither knows how it appeared, and the driving rain storm in front of them has made driving to their destination a near impossibility. What's more, Charles' attempt to seek out shelter reveals a rustic mansion in the distance. Though he left Peggy in the car during his search, he returns to another mystery: the keys have gone missing. What to do, what to do? 

Charles and Peggy attempt to find help in the mansion, but it would appear as if nobody is home...that is...until Peggy discovers a key under the front stoop that had conveniently been left for them. In the realm of odd coincidences and honeymoon turbulence, this recent string of events has to fall on the instant psychosis end. Though the house is poorly maintained from the get-go, some rooms remain in a pristine state, right down to the massive axe hanging over the mantle. 

"Was this put here for us?" -Peggy

"Lover Come Hack to Me" explores the depths of suspense and trust in a format intended to be as innocent as possible: Holy Matrimony. Both Peggy and Charles are spinning their wheels with one another and are easily leagues apart in communication and chemistry. But while what keeps them together would tear other couples apart, it is the sense of impending doom for one, if not both of them, that keeps the viewer entertained.

The story doesn't play out as traditionally as some of the flash and pizzazz episodes of Tales from the Crypt in later seasons. In fact, it is as slow moving and methodical as could be. As the time passes within the story, we wonder who is out to destroy who in this obvious case of love gone astray. Peggy's introverted, unsure personality is matched only by a timid and reserved stance on her personal preservation (translation: she's a virgin). Charles has played the field and is obviously disconnected from the love of his life, yet he's compassionate and manipulative enough to disguise it in front of her very eyes.

Michael McDowell's screenplay is exactly what you'd expect from someone who made a living on 30-minute thrillers, and it delivers thanks to some intelligent direction from fully-entrenched actor/director Tom Holland. What follows is a deceptive web of lies from both parties that leaves you wanting less and less of their love and more and more of their implosion.

"You're not really attracted to me, are you?" -Peggy

Changing scenes (and rooms), Peggy and Charles light a fire and begin to explore the house (and each other). Despite their reservations that the other may not be as pleased in this partnership as they'd hoped, they do reconcile to consummate the marriage in the master bedroom up the stairs. Despite the state of the majority of this dilapidated two-story, both the fireplace and bedroom are in absolute readiness for a night of "perfect" romance. And that word; "perfect," finds it's way into the lexicon all to familiarly. 

Charles' idea of perfection seems to be keeping the pistol he discovered in his car on the nightstand, and not just for protection. Peggy's idea of perfection? A wildly seductive makeover that is sure to arouse his senses (among other things) for her very first time. He may not be pulling his punches with an attempted murder plot, but she isn't either with her newly-found lingerie and continued use of that phrase: "Perfect." 

"I'm not gonna let time spoil our love." -Peggy

Sex is only the beginning of Charles' transformation from pain to pleasure. As the night passes and Peggy ensure him that they've made a child with their first act of carnal intercourse, Charles begins to see visions inside the house that make him realize he's not alone. In fact, he awakes in the late hours to discover another couple entering the house in a wild craze to please one another. Only problem is, the woman in this scenario is Peggy as well.

Stricken, Charles laments that even if she's cheating on him, he can still murder her for her money since the marriage was legitimate from the beginning. Though Peggy and her new beau Allen are seemingly and incomprehensibly aware of Charles' presence, they hump like wild rabbits before Charles discovers the shocking truth. What he's seeing isn't Peggy's infidelity, it's Allen's execution. The flashback being broadcast to Charles' eyeballs concludes when he realizes that this was how Peggy's mother conceived her, and also murdered Allen with the axe on the mantle.

When Charles approaches Peggy with the topic, she reveals that she plans to do the exact same thing. Though he attempts to shoot her with the pistol, he failed to load it before bedtime, indicating to a deranged Peggy that Charles really did love her after all. He wouldn't have had the gross audacity to shoot her without being blinded by his "love," so the perfect marriage can stay intact as Charles takes several mortal lops from the axe-wielding wife. As the sun rises, Peggy reunites with Aunt Edith so the cycle can begin once more. 

"And I want what my mother had: a perfect honeymoon; a perfect love." -Peggy

Parallels to the EC Source Material: 
"Lover Come Hack to Me" was originally published in the EC Comics release The Haunt of Fear #19 (though it was a tale from The Vault of Horror). Whereas most adaptations of the comic book lose something in translation when they make it to HBO, this particularly story is almost scene-for-scene identical with the printed page.

A testament to the first season of Tales (subsequent seasons would make it a point to alter some major details), both character names remained the same as did the story. The only major difference, however, was that Charles was a total innocent during the original publication. It is never implied that he intended to take all of Peggy's money nor does he equip himself with a murder weapon minutes before his own demise. If anything, he's a total patsy to Peggy's (sans Edith) plans.

Horror Alumni Roll Call: 
-Amanda Plummer (Peggy) didn't do much in the way of horror pictures when she landed her most memorable role as Honey Bunny in 1994's Pulp Fiction. She did, however, participate in the 1995 film The Prophecy as well as a Japanese horror production Vampire (2011). She even had a few episode of The Outer Limits under her belt before folks noticed she paid homage to herself as a voice of The Fates in Hercules (1997) and made an appearance in the aptly titled So I Married an Axe Murderer.

-Stephen Shellen (Charles) was in episodes of both The Hitchhiker and Alfred Hitchcock Presents before doing Tales from the Crypt. He manages to struggle with car trouble and murder again in 1988's American Gothic and even had a role in the offbeat horror/comedy Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde.

-Richard Eden (Allen) made numerous appearances on television in the short-lived Freddy's Nightmares spinoff as well as the vampire series Forever Knight and the titular hero for the small-screen RoboCop. He even participated in several direct-to-television movies that have likely aired on SyFy over the years, including Killer Deal and Solar Crisis.

-Michael McDowell (Writer) wrote 11 episodes of the show Tales from the Darkside before his only Crypt contribution. In fact, his horror film credits include Beetlejuice, The Nightmare Before Christmas, and Thinner.

-Tom Holland (Director) is also an actor by trade, giving him what may be the longest link list to date on this site. Holland directed three Tales episodes as well as Fright Night (1985), Child's Play, Thinner, The Langoliers, and an episode of Masters of Horror. He added additional writing credits on several of these films, not to mention Psycho II, Scream for Help, and The Beast Within. As an actor, Holland has appeared in Psycho II, The Langoliers, The Stand, and Hatchet II, giving him an easy nod as a Kevin Bacon-esque center of the horror universe.

Number of puns delivered by the Cryptkeeper: Three (though they were as drawn out as possible).

In Summation: Ever the opportunist, Charles' lust for gold proves larger than his lust for, well, lust. No matter what he did, even if he had been wildly in love with Peggy from the start of their relationship, he was destined to be murdered as a sick ritual that the family seems to concoct every generation. This tradition is so powerful, so blinding, and so completely deranged, that it would seem Charles chose his fate from the moments he insincerely professed any form of love or affection. Peggy leaves happier than she had been from the start, now with a baby girl in her tummy and her Aunt back in the saddle as the continued existence of their species (you know, psychotic, axe-wielding temptresses) lives on for the next several years of murder and mutilation. We don't often speak of how perfect marriage can seem in those first couple years, months, or days. For Peggy and Charles, it could only be so for the first couple hours, because nothing was quite as perfect as the brand of love Peggy plans to instill on her child.

Benjamin M. Benya